This section of my blog is to write down all my anxiety provoking jibberish.
Here’s hoping this will help me overcome my disorder, for years I have kept it all in and have made myself ill as a consequence of this.
For years I’d find myself getting more and more stressed about everyday social activities that before were nothing to me, such as classrooms, meetings, going out for dinner, even just going outside these four walls.
In my head, home means safe, anything out of that to me is a threat. Thankfully after a few years of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) my outlook has changed, and certainly for the better.
It all started at the age of 17, was young and at 6th form where I was studying for my a-levels, everything seemed to be going fine and I was excited about the big wide world out there. Then all of a sudden I became shy, quiet and scared of the littlest things, such as people not liking me, remembering embarrassing things I had done or said as a teen and that would be brought back up to tease me.
I would spend days in bed not leaving the house or speaking to a single soul, I would have weeks where I wouldn’t eat or drink for fear of feeling ill, which obviously had the same affect that I had been fearing.
Managed to somehow finish 6th form and then I was to start university, I thought I would be fine once I settled in, I was in my favourite place in the world, Central London, but even that wasn’t enough to help overcome my fears, I became so scared it would bring me to tears. I eventually dropped out of university and went straight into retail, which was again a huge step for me to overcome but it had to be done to survive.
After many tears and breakdowns I was sent to a threapist where I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety, which at first was a shock, I felt very alone and singled out. All my friends were getting new jobs, degrees and meeting great new people. Seemed to me like they were having the time of their lives, something I was very envious of.
As I’ve now gotten older, I realise if I want this gone, I’m going to have to work at it and prove to myself there is nothing to be scared of.
This is all I shall put for the time being, will update my blog when it’s at a more decent hour and I’m not falling asleep.