The Palaver

4 Dec

This section of my blog is to write down all my anxiety provoking jibberish.

Here’s hoping this will help me overcome my disorder, for years I have kept it all in and have made myself ill as a consequence of this.

For years I’d find myself getting more and more stressed about everyday social activities that before were nothing to me, such as classrooms, meetings, going out for dinner, even just going outside these four walls.

In my head, home means safe, anything out of that to me is a threat. Thankfully after a few years of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) my outlook has changed, and certainly for the better.

It all started at the age of 17, was young and at 6th form where I was studying for my a-levels, everything seemed to be going fine and I was excited about the big wide world out there. Then all of a sudden I became shy, quiet and scared of the littlest things, such as people not liking me, remembering embarrassing things I had done or said as a teen and that would be brought back up to tease me.

I would spend days in bed not leaving the house or speaking to a single soul, I would have weeks where I wouldn’t eat or drink for fear of feeling ill, which obviously had the same affect that I had been fearing.

Managed to somehow finish 6th form and then I was to start university, I thought I would be fine once I settled in, I was in my favourite place in the world, Central London, but even that wasn’t enough to help overcome my fears, I became so scared it would bring me to tears. I eventually dropped out of university and went straight into retail, which was again a huge step for me to overcome but it had to be done to survive.

After many tears and breakdowns I was sent to a threapist where I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety, which at first was a shock, I felt very alone and singled out. All my friends were getting new jobs, degrees and meeting great new people. Seemed to me like they were having the time of their lives, something I was very envious of.

As I’ve now gotten older, I realise if I want this gone, I’m going to have to work at it and prove to myself there is nothing to be scared of.

This is all I shall put for the time being, will update my blog when it’s at a more decent hour and I’m not falling asleep.


2 Responses to “The Palaver”

  1. Lambo December 4, 2010 at 12:59 am #

    Knowing that someone as intelligent, humorous and attractive as you struggle with things that many take for granted is a wake-up call. Loads of love and respect for writing this, hope everyday it gets easier. The world is your oyster m’dear.

  2. william wallace December 5, 2010 at 2:05 pm #

    Its a catch 22 situation that your having faced.

    Your a bright open hearted soul whom in having
    face living in an very corrupt hard cold world.

    What you did was switch of the brain thus your
    way dealing with the situation *understandable.

    However t’was not the right attitude in taking
    in having more trust faith hope / then further
    development of the brain would have provided a
    deeper /broader understanding of the situation
    as means of the best ways coming to terms with
    your situation. A situation an need in knowing
    understanding life (above average expectations
    thus your thirst of knowledge bringing concern.

    One finds an answer to all problems in turning
    ones senses inward in unfolding ones spiritual
    self. In doing such brings all the answers /as
    the experience / understanding that is missing
    in ones life. / Thus ones finds contentment in
    the heart bringing ones balanced understanding.

    In spiritual development ones in need having a
    spiritual teacher. At present time the teacher
    of teachers be be Prem Rawat. On pc search put
    (Words of peace). On site you’ll find (videos)
    Prem Rawat speaking of meditation such turning
    of the senses inward in the unfolding of one’s
    spiritual self/ not ideas beliefs/ but knowing.

    On the path unto enlightenment one having many
    lifes / each life that which gain in spiritual
    experience in spiritual understanding is never
    lost. It but added unto ones Spiritual Account
    an account that none can take / steal from you
    such *Spiritual Account carried life unto life.

    Thus there many stages of spiritual development
    there many people at the varied /various stages
    yet its not that there be worldy winners / whom
    get a gold medal/the more spiritual learning in
    having but more need one giving aid unto others.

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